Resolutions by proxy

To make a list of New Year's resolutions feels far too conventional to me, not to mention an inevitable trap of sadness and self-recrimination when they do the inevitable tailspin from the blue skies of hope, so...

I thought I'd deal with a few potential resolutions that people might wish I would make, based on my experiences over the past year.  Standby... it's resolutions (or not) by proxy time, and who knows - some of your favourites may be in here... 

1. Explain your more bizarre tweets.  I don't want to start negatively, but you leave me with no choice. This I can't help with. Firstly, it says in my book of how to be a writer to never explain what you mean as it destroys the mystery and romance, and both sell.  Plus, there's the more mundane issue that I often have no idea what I'm talking about myself.

2. Write a new tvdetective book.  Ah, something more positive to say!  It's well in progress and depending upon editing demands, publishers' whims etc., should - I hope - be around next year.

3. That goatee.  Given my struggles with the issue of hair, it's more like a kidee really.  Feedback on this bold statement of fashion has been mixed.  One kind lady told me it was very sexy, but she had been drinking.  We got an email at work saying it made me look like a tramp, and messed up a viewer's HD television.  But for now I think it's going to stay.  It helps to keep me warm on the road in winter, plus if I can't grow hair on my head, I might at least try for some somewhere...

4. Can you tone down - or at least pick some tasteful - ties?   No, sorry.  For a man, they're one of the few ways of expressing personality, or adding some colour to an outfit, and I like them. Plus, my tastes keep at least a couple of the stranger tie companies in business, and we all have to do our bit at this time of economic woe.

5. Can you tone down - or at least pick some tasteful - shirts, when you toddle out for a beer of an evening?  No.  See above.

6. Dancing - can you stop trying to do it?  A very fair request. I know I don't do it elegantly, in time, or anything whatsoever approaching what the dictionary would describe as dancing. I'll do my best to curtail it, promise.

7. Can you stop taking paper and pen out of an evening and noting down what happens and what we say and do?  A common concern of my long-suffering friends, but I'm afraid the answer must be no.  You provide far too much invaluable material for books and stories with your curious ways and deeds.  All I can say is that I'll do my best to disguise the source.

8. Can you stop partaking of such quantities of beer and curry?  A request from my poor body, I think.  No is the answer. I like them, and a man has to have some vices, although perhaps not as many as I seem to manage to get through.

9. Can you stop running around the river?   One from my knees, which complain by aching hard afterwards.  No, I'm afraid not.  We need to do the running to cope with point 8, above.

10. Can you stop staring at us when you go running around the river, it's unnerving?  One from the cormorants who live on The Exe (there are 15 at the moment, I counted them on a run yesterday).  No. You're so entertaining!  I love the wings stretched drying thing you do, and also when you go fishing.  I never know where you'll resurface, and when you do so with a huge fish, and then try to swallow it whole, it keeps me giggling for days.  Good work those comical birds, nature at her most amusing best!

11. Can you stop talking to us when you bring bread, it's embarrassing?  One from the gang of geese who I love feeding.  No, It's far too much fun, and a bit of conversation is a fair price to pay for some supper.  Get on with it, and don't honk so loudly next time.

12. Can you get a sensible job and life and stop being a wally?  Ah, a question from the world in general, methinks.  Even up to the day she died, my mother kept asking when I was going to get a proper job/jobs (TV reporter and author not enough, apparently).  Another fair point, but I'm afraid the answer is no.  I've got away with it this far, and have no intention of stopping now.

Finally for this last post of 2011, a very big thanks - to all who read my scribblings, all who have helped and supported me this past year, to those who've come along to my talks and workshops - I've met some wonderful people this year - to all my fine friends, to the beautiful city of Exeter which I'm proud to call home, and to the Planet Earth and life in general for hosting we strange human things.

Time to go now, before it gets like one of those nauseous Oscar speeches.  A Happy New Year to you all!